It’s easy to dislike Bill Maher, but I enjoy some of his work, especially his New Rules at the end of his show. From March 18:
New Rule: Don’t try to talk to me about any dream you’ve had that I wasn’t in. There’s a very limited audience that’s interested in your dreams. That’s why they’re only showing in your head!
My favorite:
You know — you know, there’s what we pay lip service to, and then there’s what we pay money for. And that is what we actually value. We could have good security at the airport. We know how to do it. Have you ever been to a casino? There’s more cameras than a Korean wedding. [groans] With all kinds of zoom lenses that can count the stitches on your date’s sex change from 50 feet! You can’t do math in your head in a casino — without being spotted, reported on videotape, hustled off the floor and buried in the desert by Joe Pesci!
From April 15:
New Rule: Stop saying anybody or anything is like the Nazis, okay? Republicans aren’t like the Nazis. Even Neo-Nazis aren’t like the Nazis. Nothing is like the Nazis…except for Wal-Mart.And finally, New Rule: Parents have to stop coddling their children. The latest is, schools have stopped grading papers with red ink because of complaints that a big, mean, red X is too negative. Why, a kid might even think he got it wrong and learn something. These parents today are so fixated on protection, it’s amazing they ever got pregnant in the first place.
A recent reality show called “Super Nanny” placed an old-school, discipline-wielding nanny into a family where the mother can’t figure out the reason she’s having a nervous breakdown is that she says things to her kids like, “Tyler, mommy would really appreciate it if you didn’t throw rocks at me.” You know, moms and dads these days are like the Democratic Party: lame, spineless and not holding up their end of the equation. And kids are like the Republicans: drunk with power and out of control!
Maybe that’s why there’s also a new phenomenon called “parent coaching,” a kind of tech-support service for clueless parents when their 3.0-year-old goes haywire. As described in a recent New York Times article, here are some of the questions a typical mom asks her parenting coach: What should she do when Skylar won’t do his chores? Should there be limits on how he spends his allowance? Should Forrest get dessert if he does not eat a healthy dinner?
Now, for those of you who are saying, “But, Bill, you’re not a parent,” I say, “True. But I have one thing these parents apparently don’t: a brain!” This is not rocket science. What you should do when Skylar won’t do his chores. How about using your size advantage. Make him. Because if there’s one thing we know about kids, it’s that if you give them an inch, the authorities will raid your Neverland Ranch.
Yes, like Michael Jackson, parents these days act like they’re on a date with their children. Trying to impress them, trying to buy their love and never contradicting them or giving them a big red X when they’re wrong.
So, no, I don’t have kids. And you know what? I don’t intend to have any until people start making some I’d want my kids to play with! Until then, I’m just glad I own a lot of stock in Ritalin.