Skeptic Pitied

Tuesday, January 21st, 2003

I love The Onion:

Skeptic Pitied
FAYETTEVILLE, AR?Craig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday.

“I honestly feel sorry for the guy,” said neighbor Michael Eddy, 54, a born-again Christian. “To live in this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that Christ died for our sins?that’s such a sad, cynical way to live. I don’t know how he gets through his day.”

Coworker Donald Cobb, who spends roughly 20 percent of his annual income on telephone psychics and tarot-card readings, similarly extended his compassion for Schaffner.

“Craig is a really great guy,” Cobb said. “It’s just too bad he’s chosen to cut himself off from the world of the paranormal, restricting himself to the limited universe of what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical evidence.”

Also feeling pity for Schaffner is his former girlfriend Aimee Brand, a holistic and homeopathic healer who earns a living selling tonics and medicines diluted to one molecule per gallon in the belief that the water “remembers” the curative properties of the medication.

“Don’t get me wrong?logic and reason have their place,” Brand said. “But Craig fails to recognize the danger of going too far with medical common sense to the exclusion of alternative New Age remedies like chakra cleansing and energy-field realignment.”
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